What You Say, What They Hear
Posted by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Communication between partners often gets confusing, and there is a
very good reason for this. Most of the time, the words we use have far
less impact than the energy behind the words. Therefore, what you say
is often not what the other person hears. The energy behind a communication is determined by our INTENTION.
In much of the communication between partners, there are two different
intentions that can motivate any given communication: we are often
either intent upon controlling the other person, or intent upon learning
about ourselves and our partner. The difference in energy between
these two intentions is what frequently creates the confusion in
communication. For example, in one of my phone counseling sessions with Joshua, he
complained about the fact that his wife, Joan, often gets upset with him
over seemingly minor issues. A recent conflict had occurred over a book
she was reading. He had asked her why she was reading that particular
book, and she had responded to him with irritation. Joshua, I asked, why were you asking her about the book? I was just curious. Go deeper, I said. Was there anything about the book that was
threatening to you? Well
.yeah. It was a book about women and codependency. And what was threatening to you? Im afraid of Joan pulling away from me. So, which intent do you think was operating at that moment - the intent
to control her or the intent to learn about yourself and her? I guess to be honest, I have to say that I was wanting to control. When I
think back on it, I think my tone of voice may have been blaming. Joan
always tells me that she hates how much I try to control her, and I always
think she is wrong about that. But I think I was trying to control her. And she responded to your intent to control with irritation, which is what
is happening frequently in your relationship, right? Right. So what would I have said if I was open to learning? Its not so much the words as it is the energy behind the words. The
energy behind the words, Why are you reading that book? is totally
different when the intent is to control than when the intent is to learn. The
same words can be said with a blaming, shaming edge, or with real
caring and curiosity. It is your intent that determines the energy behind
the words. Joan was not responding to the words themselves, but to the
blaming and shaming behind the words. This is what is causing the
confusion for you regarding your communication with her. The exact
same words can communicate two totally different things, depending
upon the intent. And the chances are that if you had not felt threatened
by the book, you might not have even questioned her about why she
was reading it. Yes, I can see where that is probably true. Okay, I got it. Ive been trying
to control her and that is what she is responding to, not to the words Ive
been using. Joshua started to notice his intent. Every time Joan got irritated or distant
from him, he noticed that his intent was to control. It was a big challenge
to shift out of trying to control her, since he had been doing this most of
his life in all his relationships, but Joshua was very motivated to change.
He knew that if he didnt, he ran the risk of losing his marriage. He
started to focus on taking loving care of himself and his own feelings
instead of trying to change Joan. As Joshua became more aware of his intent, he was able to consciously
shift his intent from controlling to learning about taking care of himself.
As his intent shifted, the energy of his communications with Joan shifted,
and their relationship greatly improved. Joshua was thrilled with the
deeper understanding and intimacy that was growing between them. Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight
books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
Healing Your Aloneness. She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
| 
